November

Pulled into a ball, in the corner,
Lap opened only for the cat, who
Does not stay.
I pull it around me tighter, this
Loneliness, wear it
Like a scarf,
Like armour,
Like a cloaking device.

Look through me, I
Am not here.
All that I was is gone,
And this dustball that is left
Will soon tumble away
With the next inconsequential breeze.

these words

These words are blood
ripped from my veins
wrists spurting raw thoughts, not
enough to really drain me,
not real or deep enough to hurt,
but a great show, a
performance
designed to make you
look.

I whore my heart, my
thoughts, my
gift for a focused moment
of your precious
intention
an interlude of
your
attention.

Since I am
a shadow, though,
this will pass with
the night.

dark man

unexpected, a
message from another place,
rock tattoos, clark kent glasses
devastating smile.

surprised,with
intelligence, humour,
interest. I was an
understudy to this drama

watching terrible
horror films, his hand
grazed my thigh.
Like a mythic slavic count, like
a hero of countless harlequin novels,
he rose, commanded,
dark hair flowing over
vampire caresses.

I had forgotten
how it felt
to be
mastered, and
i surrendered.

after, I
nursed my
bruises with
wanton
pride, hoped
and feared
he would call again.

whispers

He will be
funny, in the unexpected way of
the alcoholic that made me
fall in love
and in the sweet, smart
sardonic way of the boy I love-hated
in grade five;
He will be strong, stable,
like the ex husband that was
my protector, even if
he never understood me
He will be sparks and fire and larger than life
Pyrotechnics like a concert that
Moves me beyond this quotidian
Veiled existence.
He will love me, madonna,
whore,
little child,
lost soul,
pragmatic nerd,
and
whatever lies beneath.

And he is nearly
here.

I know that the moon
and the flame on the candle
that dances in my breath
I know the inky cat staring me down
And the song I think of
That comes on the radio unexpectedly
These things don't mean that
You
Are
Waiting

But I know you are, I
See your shadow where
I've just looked
I see your silhouette behind
My closed eyes.

Yes, my love, I see your
coming in the eyes of the
Men I dally with now
And when you come to
Claim me, I'll be
Warm
And ready.

i can't

i can't admit even
to myself how you came
to inhabit that empty spot within
how even now when i
look inward, i see
you

i can't erase your scent
from my senses, your
touch from my memory

you took me further
than i'd gone before and
now i can't go back

i can't say any of this
to you, i can't break
the barrier i put up
but i can't move on

i know, i've tried but
he wasn't you.