Still

A repost from my other blog, a poem I'd forgotten:

23.10.05

still

Mostly it's the stillness I avoid

healing quiet
reveals the gaping hole
where i should be

The stillness creeps up on rainy days and when I sense it near I
dive for the remote the computer the phone
the noise will hide me

I can't abide
me.

I don't want to be
still.

Bound

Floating? Perhaps too
Benign a word, although
At a distance like this, it seems a
Gentle sort of pull.

I accelerate with proximity.

I am scared to
Crash.

I need no altimeter to know the exact
Distance to this gravity centre
That draws me.

I struggle to tread water, remain
Safely outside that warm,
dangerous
atmosphere,

but
you can't tread water in air
stupid. You are not a
cartoon.

I am falling so
long, such a
short distance.
Please please make my
landing
soft.

energy in a closed system

loops, curls, reforms
itself around shapes like
ferrets, clouds,
waterfalls, SUVs
oil rigs, endangered moose,
small children with hula hoops...

tiny quarks that may or
may not be here, now,
bump around in oceans of empty
energy-space

and here, in this dark room,
the tv flickers and from the corner
of my eye the three inches between us
dances with sparks.

is it

this science experiment foments
bubbles
raises steam and sparks

i note my observations, the
change in hue in the air, the
way the intensity changes
with proximity to catalyst, and
the change in heat
when the two ingredients are mixed.

He has written down that the experiment
failed, no change occurred.
Perhaps i should ask the teacher to change
our seats.

dreams

I hold his head still
On my chest, I kiss his hair...
Skin rustles on skin.

From the hill behind
My childhood home, a lonely
Howl. Lit red eyes gleam.

How is it possible?
Last day of term, can't find class
Don't recall subject.

His smile warms me, till
Strobing alarm wakes me and
I'm alone, still smiling.

After all, this dance,
And all the sparkle, and
Archness and wit and
Companionship,

This is a warm cloak
Of a different kind, to be
Sure, and yet, it is
As comforting as a hug.

This is the village I need
To inhabit. Even
When the cold night
Presses, sometimes,
A blanket is enough.

I know this addiction cycles through
My blood, and all too soon I will want
Flowers, music, the heat of your blood.
But for now, a clink of glasses suffices.

haiku april

how to trust? -- yourself
or anyone else. Close eyes,
Jump. Fall. Hope. Believe.

all i want is the
kiss that will stop my heart and
love to restart it.

And so, I followed
Another pixie path on
the road to nowhere

Another friend, and
Who can have too many friends
In her lonely room?

Perhaps the sunlit
Way seems more passable when
You're actually here.