My eyes do this weird thing sometimes when I wake in the night. One eye won't dilate. Or is it undilate? Whatever, one eye won't adjust to the lack of light. So sometimes when I wake up, one eye is blind and I lay in bed, panicking and listening to every small sound.
Tonight I don't know what woke me, but my heart's a pounding triphammer. I'm not exactly scared, but I'm the opposite of calm. The heater is pinging as the cold shakes it to life. It's early November, so the weather has only just gotten cold enough to warrant turning on the thermostat. Usually I turn it down before bed, but tonight I forgot.
Ping. Creak.
My blind eye won't allow in even the moonlight streaming onto my bed from the crack in the curtains. The moon is nearly full, and my right eye tells me it's almost like daylight, or at least one-hour-after-dawn light. My lazy left eye says, there's nothing there. Go back to sleep.
Tap. T-t-tap.
It sounds like something at the window, making my heart leap alarmingly. Don't be ridiculous. It's just my stupid eye making me jittery. There's nothing there.
I force my breathing to still: plug left nostril, deep breath in right side. Plug both. Hold. Unplug left, exhale. Repeat. Repeat.
Then I deliberately make myself get up. Go to the window. Stop at the thermostat to turn it down. Peek through the curtains. A flutter in the air catches my eye. Looks like a plastic bag but it's black. A bat? I close my lazy eye to focus. Hard to focus. It really looks like cloth, but the air is almost hazy. Seems to be flying away from the window. Blowing. Blowing away from the window. That's no animal... I don't think. I stare at it, fascinated by its undulating movements. It looks like a dance.
I want more than anything to fly out this window.
I have a sudden feeling of utter desolation. I can't fly. Why is that so tragic right now? I couldn't fly this morning, and it didn't occur to me to be heartbroken then. Part of my brain is suspended, watching my emotional centre react to some unnoticed stimuli. I want to cry. The black fluttering object is nearly out of sight. I raise my hand toward it, and the window is cold as a December flagpole.
As I turn to go back to bed, I allow my blind eye to re-open, and miraculously, this time it recovers. Focuses. Zeroes in on a handprint on the window. A small handprint. On the outside of the window.
This really only registers in the distant reaches of my mind as I crawl back into bed, overcome with sleep once more.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Blueberry Hill
It was a bright afternoon. The warm gold of the sun settled on the hills like a wool blanket. Arial plopped down with her bucket next to a particularly full mound of blueberries. One handful for pies... one for the mouth.
She had been on Blueberry Hill for a few hours now, poking along, picking berries, snacking, looking for snakes and mice. The hill was called Warrensfield to everyone else, but Arial just called it Blueberry Hill because that's where the blueberries grew. It was ten minutes from the dead end of her street to be up the hill and over the first hummock so that the town was out of sight.
She loved it here, had felt draw to the hill as soon as her family had moved to Prosper. She was only seven, but the town was small and isolated and in 1977, no one questioned a seven year old roaming the hills alone.
Today her mom had let her watch the end of Scooby Doo, then had handed her the big Crisco pail and sent her to get enough berries for a couple of pies.
She heard a whiffling behind her and lazily reached back. "C'mere Goldie. Good girl. Don't you go scarin' them snakes now. I want to see a snake."
Arial often talked to her dog. There weren't many kids in Prosper, and cartoons had taught her that dogs were great friends, and good at solving mysteries.
"Goldie, let's pretend. That hill there is going to start having trees appear on it. They'll be big walkin', talkin' trees, like on the wizard movie. And there will be naiads. Or are the tree ones dryads?"
She frowned but Goldie didn't answer, so she went on. "Dryads I think. Dryads among the trees, and nymphs. And those goat-feet guys."
She paused and cocked her head to one side.
"Goldie, didjoo hear that? Somebody said my name."
Goldie looked at her quizzically. Arial popped another two handfuls of berries into the bucket and jumped to her feet.
"I DID heared that. I'm gonna go see. C'mon Goldie."
She headed back up the hill, cresting it and going down the far side, out of sight of even the tall water tower. Far down the hill, there was a dark line, near the horizon. There WERE trees.
"I never walked this far before, Goldie, but I think I still hear my name. Do you?"
Goldie barked once.
Arial closed her eyes to concentrate. There were a few lazy flies buzzing around her, and a fat bumblebee whose bum was twitching as he focussed on his flower. Far off in the distance, she again heard, "a r i a l."
As she moved forward she felt as though the heat was making the air shimmer. Through the shimmer, it looked like the distant horizon was twitching. Like the trees from her fantasy were indeed marching.
"'S'funny, Goldie, lookit the trees! I think it's elves calling me!" She forgot that dryads had been her earlier pronouncement, because through the heat shimmers she thought she saw short figures, frolicking on the field, between her and the dark moving line of trees.
Goldie began a low growl.
Arial continued to walk forward, feeling caught in a trance. Goldie caught hold of her tshirt and pulled. Goldie was a mutt, and not a big one, but Arial was a fairly small child. The unexpected resistance caused her to lose her footing and drop the Crisco bucket.
Her head snapped down to see her berries rolling away.
"GOOOOLLLLDDIIIIEEE!! NOOOOO!" The horizon forgotten, she scrambled to collect as many of the berries as she could rescue and then turned and chased the gambolling dog back over the hill.
Ignored, in the distance, a low sound carried on the breeze... "a r i a l..."
She had been on Blueberry Hill for a few hours now, poking along, picking berries, snacking, looking for snakes and mice. The hill was called Warrensfield to everyone else, but Arial just called it Blueberry Hill because that's where the blueberries grew. It was ten minutes from the dead end of her street to be up the hill and over the first hummock so that the town was out of sight.
She loved it here, had felt draw to the hill as soon as her family had moved to Prosper. She was only seven, but the town was small and isolated and in 1977, no one questioned a seven year old roaming the hills alone.
Today her mom had let her watch the end of Scooby Doo, then had handed her the big Crisco pail and sent her to get enough berries for a couple of pies.
She heard a whiffling behind her and lazily reached back. "C'mere Goldie. Good girl. Don't you go scarin' them snakes now. I want to see a snake."
Arial often talked to her dog. There weren't many kids in Prosper, and cartoons had taught her that dogs were great friends, and good at solving mysteries.
"Goldie, let's pretend. That hill there is going to start having trees appear on it. They'll be big walkin', talkin' trees, like on the wizard movie. And there will be naiads. Or are the tree ones dryads?"
She frowned but Goldie didn't answer, so she went on. "Dryads I think. Dryads among the trees, and nymphs. And those goat-feet guys."
She paused and cocked her head to one side.
"Goldie, didjoo hear that? Somebody said my name."
Goldie looked at her quizzically. Arial popped another two handfuls of berries into the bucket and jumped to her feet.
"I DID heared that. I'm gonna go see. C'mon Goldie."
She headed back up the hill, cresting it and going down the far side, out of sight of even the tall water tower. Far down the hill, there was a dark line, near the horizon. There WERE trees.
"I never walked this far before, Goldie, but I think I still hear my name. Do you?"
Goldie barked once.
Arial closed her eyes to concentrate. There were a few lazy flies buzzing around her, and a fat bumblebee whose bum was twitching as he focussed on his flower. Far off in the distance, she again heard, "a r i a l."
As she moved forward she felt as though the heat was making the air shimmer. Through the shimmer, it looked like the distant horizon was twitching. Like the trees from her fantasy were indeed marching.
"'S'funny, Goldie, lookit the trees! I think it's elves calling me!" She forgot that dryads had been her earlier pronouncement, because through the heat shimmers she thought she saw short figures, frolicking on the field, between her and the dark moving line of trees.
Goldie began a low growl.
Arial continued to walk forward, feeling caught in a trance. Goldie caught hold of her tshirt and pulled. Goldie was a mutt, and not a big one, but Arial was a fairly small child. The unexpected resistance caused her to lose her footing and drop the Crisco bucket.
Her head snapped down to see her berries rolling away.
"GOOOOLLLLDDIIIIEEE!! NOOOOO!" The horizon forgotten, she scrambled to collect as many of the berries as she could rescue and then turned and chased the gambolling dog back over the hill.
Ignored, in the distance, a low sound carried on the breeze... "a r i a l..."
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Stay in the Now
"Stay in the now, dear."
Annoyed she had paid a palm-reader (what was she thinking?) only to receive magazine advice, Liz nonetheless found the words resonating.
She had a habit of getting up and spending her first half hour (after stretches, lunges and crunches of course) making to-do lists for the day ahead. This was Saturday, so her lists should also include the upcoming week's menu and a shopping list.
Today she found herself drawn to the balcony. A little brown bird with shiny eyes landed on the railing as she stood outside. Was it a nuthatch? Sparrow? She'd have to look it up. They eyed each other for almost five minutes. Liz was captivated by the bird's quick, intelligent movements, his tidy economical, hops on the rail, and the way his feathers (her feathers?) fluffed out over his feet to warm them.
Warm them. She realized she had grown chilly, and moved inside. The bird paused a moment longer and then flew away.
Wandering to the kitchen, Liz filled the kettle and placed it on the stove, and rummaged in her cupboard for a tea bag. She was a coffee person. It was a rare day when she made tea, usually only when one of her board sub-committees was meeting here.
Lemon Zinger? Cinnamon Toadie? Zen Stretch Green? WHERE did all these teas come from?
She knew, of course, that every few months she would be inspired by some article about a new cleanse or detoxifying diet, and run out and buy a new mystical tea to gather dust in the cupboard.
Ah, finally! King Cole. The kettle whistled and she poured the bubbling water over the teabag, admiring the way the red-brown colour slowly rose like fog off the harbour. She poured in a bit of milk, again admired the swirling pattern. Chemistry in action. Poetry.
The phone rang as she was completing her menu. This morning she had decided to pull out some of her seldom-used recipe books, and try a few new dishes this week. The recipe books were hiding the phone.
"Liz! I knew you'd be up. Betcha already have a spreadsheet open."
Liz eyed her teacup and doodled-upon menu. Doodles!
"Not quite yet.What are YOU doing out of bed, sister?"
Even Mabel's laugh sounded honey-golden. "I am feeling domestic. I'm making a big turkey supper for Jack and his band, I thought I'd see if you might perhaps like to join us."
Habit forced a 'no' to her lips, but she bit it off, glancing at her short 'to-do' list for the day: "Gym. Groceries. Work on budget."
"You know what? Yeah. That'd be fun. Oh, but my car's still in the shop... hm... do the commuter trains run on Saturday? Hold on...," she was already fumbling with her smart phone.
"Don't even bother, Peter's coming and he's right down your street. He can drive you."
***
WHY. Why hadn't she asked Mabel what Peter, the bass player for the AlmondDeadlies, would be driving? She eyed the bike.
"Here's my spare helmet, it should fit okay. You're wearing good boots. You should get a warmer jacket and gloves though. Do you have a thick leather jacket?"
Of course she didn't have a thick leather jacket. She had running jackets and trenchcoats and stylish woolen coats. Sigh. She thumped back upstairs and rooted in her closet, finally finding a sleek leather jacket that was the opposite of thick and sturdy. She pulled on a wool turtleneck and then the jacket, glanced in the mirror to wish the skin she knew and loved farewell, and headed out, to her certain demise.
The ride was no more than forty minutes in total, but the first 15 felt like hours as she hung on to Peter and the bike with arms and knees and the sheer clinging power of terror. The wind rushing past felt like hands pulling her off. Bumps in the road felt like the bike was bucking, trying to throw her off. The stopping and starting and sharp turns made her think she was going to vomit. Finally, they crossed the Winslow bridge out of the city, and trees rose around her. As the countryside got greener, she marginally began to feel more relaxed. Twenty minutes in, she eased back in the seat enough to peek over Peter's shoulder and see the countryside whisking by.
When they crested the next hill and the sun cast its late afternoon red gold eyes onto them, she realized she had never felt more present.
How can you live in the now when you are hurtling forward so fast? And she closed her eyes and let the rhythm of the bike guide her.
Annoyed she had paid a palm-reader (what was she thinking?) only to receive magazine advice, Liz nonetheless found the words resonating.
She had a habit of getting up and spending her first half hour (after stretches, lunges and crunches of course) making to-do lists for the day ahead. This was Saturday, so her lists should also include the upcoming week's menu and a shopping list.
Today she found herself drawn to the balcony. A little brown bird with shiny eyes landed on the railing as she stood outside. Was it a nuthatch? Sparrow? She'd have to look it up. They eyed each other for almost five minutes. Liz was captivated by the bird's quick, intelligent movements, his tidy economical, hops on the rail, and the way his feathers (her feathers?) fluffed out over his feet to warm them.
Warm them. She realized she had grown chilly, and moved inside. The bird paused a moment longer and then flew away.
Wandering to the kitchen, Liz filled the kettle and placed it on the stove, and rummaged in her cupboard for a tea bag. She was a coffee person. It was a rare day when she made tea, usually only when one of her board sub-committees was meeting here.
Lemon Zinger? Cinnamon Toadie? Zen Stretch Green? WHERE did all these teas come from?
She knew, of course, that every few months she would be inspired by some article about a new cleanse or detoxifying diet, and run out and buy a new mystical tea to gather dust in the cupboard.
Ah, finally! King Cole. The kettle whistled and she poured the bubbling water over the teabag, admiring the way the red-brown colour slowly rose like fog off the harbour. She poured in a bit of milk, again admired the swirling pattern. Chemistry in action. Poetry.
The phone rang as she was completing her menu. This morning she had decided to pull out some of her seldom-used recipe books, and try a few new dishes this week. The recipe books were hiding the phone.
"Liz! I knew you'd be up. Betcha already have a spreadsheet open."
Liz eyed her teacup and doodled-upon menu. Doodles!
"Not quite yet.What are YOU doing out of bed, sister?"
Even Mabel's laugh sounded honey-golden. "I am feeling domestic. I'm making a big turkey supper for Jack and his band, I thought I'd see if you might perhaps like to join us."
Habit forced a 'no' to her lips, but she bit it off, glancing at her short 'to-do' list for the day: "Gym. Groceries. Work on budget."
"You know what? Yeah. That'd be fun. Oh, but my car's still in the shop... hm... do the commuter trains run on Saturday? Hold on...," she was already fumbling with her smart phone.
"Don't even bother, Peter's coming and he's right down your street. He can drive you."
***
WHY. Why hadn't she asked Mabel what Peter, the bass player for the AlmondDeadlies, would be driving? She eyed the bike.
"Here's my spare helmet, it should fit okay. You're wearing good boots. You should get a warmer jacket and gloves though. Do you have a thick leather jacket?"
Of course she didn't have a thick leather jacket. She had running jackets and trenchcoats and stylish woolen coats. Sigh. She thumped back upstairs and rooted in her closet, finally finding a sleek leather jacket that was the opposite of thick and sturdy. She pulled on a wool turtleneck and then the jacket, glanced in the mirror to wish the skin she knew and loved farewell, and headed out, to her certain demise.
The ride was no more than forty minutes in total, but the first 15 felt like hours as she hung on to Peter and the bike with arms and knees and the sheer clinging power of terror. The wind rushing past felt like hands pulling her off. Bumps in the road felt like the bike was bucking, trying to throw her off. The stopping and starting and sharp turns made her think she was going to vomit. Finally, they crossed the Winslow bridge out of the city, and trees rose around her. As the countryside got greener, she marginally began to feel more relaxed. Twenty minutes in, she eased back in the seat enough to peek over Peter's shoulder and see the countryside whisking by.
When they crested the next hill and the sun cast its late afternoon red gold eyes onto them, she realized she had never felt more present.
How can you live in the now when you are hurtling forward so fast? And she closed her eyes and let the rhythm of the bike guide her.
Friday, November 2, 2012
The answer is sleeping, buried, under Glace Bay. Of all places.
The cigar protruded out of his thick lips, covered in fine white hair. His teeth clenched it in a Jonah Jamieson smoke-ringed grimace.
Everyone was watching the smoke ring in front of him as the air gathered tension.
Finally, he sighed. "What do you want me to say? Are you breaking my balls here?"
Andre, the de facto leader of the small band of teens stepped up belligerently. "You could explain where the fuck you've been while the world was going to hell, for one thing."
"Look, kid, I to--"
"Don't bullshit me, I got it, you guys all fucking decided to have a short little nap a few thousand years ago, and then when you woke up you weren't sure how to approach us. I got it. So our climate is fuckered, and you KNEW this. And STILL you chose to take a few decades to watch us, and catch up on Simpsons reruns before you decided to bust in. And now--,"
The unicorn spit the cigar out and made as if to interrupt.
"AND NOW," Andre went on, "now you come waltzing out and think everyone's going to bow down and listen."
"I LOST GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE. Your shithead army just blew up FIVE centaurs. There are only SEVENTEEN in the world! Twelve, now! What the hell is wrong with you humans? We left you a decent planet!"
"Don't you 'you humans' me, asshole! I'm not one of them!"
Darlene stepped forward at the same time as a young dwarf girl did, both holding up their hands and steering their champions away from the heated debate.
"Andre, Horace," she said, "Dorcas and I have been talking while you two have been butting heads. I think we have a solution."
"But," added Dorcas, "Not only are we going to have to work together, you two are going to have to shut up and get out of the way."
The silence spread out into the Glace Bay mining hall. Finally, from the crowd, a man spoke. Darlene thought it was Mr. Jacobs, the pharmacist.
"Can we stop this, girls? Tell us it's not too late."
Everyone was watching the smoke ring in front of him as the air gathered tension.
Finally, he sighed. "What do you want me to say? Are you breaking my balls here?"
Andre, the de facto leader of the small band of teens stepped up belligerently. "You could explain where the fuck you've been while the world was going to hell, for one thing."
"Look, kid, I to--"
"Don't bullshit me, I got it, you guys all fucking decided to have a short little nap a few thousand years ago, and then when you woke up you weren't sure how to approach us. I got it. So our climate is fuckered, and you KNEW this. And STILL you chose to take a few decades to watch us, and catch up on Simpsons reruns before you decided to bust in. And now--,"
The unicorn spit the cigar out and made as if to interrupt.
"AND NOW," Andre went on, "now you come waltzing out and think everyone's going to bow down and listen."
"I LOST GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE. Your shithead army just blew up FIVE centaurs. There are only SEVENTEEN in the world! Twelve, now! What the hell is wrong with you humans? We left you a decent planet!"
"Don't you 'you humans' me, asshole! I'm not one of them!"
Darlene stepped forward at the same time as a young dwarf girl did, both holding up their hands and steering their champions away from the heated debate.
"Andre, Horace," she said, "Dorcas and I have been talking while you two have been butting heads. I think we have a solution."
"But," added Dorcas, "Not only are we going to have to work together, you two are going to have to shut up and get out of the way."
The silence spread out into the Glace Bay mining hall. Finally, from the crowd, a man spoke. Darlene thought it was Mr. Jacobs, the pharmacist.
"Can we stop this, girls? Tell us it's not too late."
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Ogres need Bifocals
Although she'd spied the ogre, she
didn't rush.
“I said, this prescription is not
correct. The glasses make my eyes blurrier.” She patiently waited
as the counter attendant continued to try to bluster her into
disappearing.
“No. No, I'm not leaving. I want
glasses that correct my vision. I need them ASAP. I have tried these
for three days. There is no improvement.”
The ogre was moving toward the designer frames, browsing casually.
“I want to see Dr. Kimball again. I
understand he has a patient with him. I'll wait... but I want to see
him by four.”
The ogre had gotten much closer, and
Lil was startled to hear it grunting a whiffling behind her. She
turned and caught it glancing at the clock. 3:30.
It caught her eye and gave her a nod
that could have meant, “yo, sistah, I got yer back”, or possibly,
“eff you, twerp, that 4 o'clock slot is mine”, or even
potentially, “my, you look like quite a yummy morsel.”
She sat down in the waiting area and
watched the ogre glare at the service bell. The squirrelly attendant
had disappeared into the office. The ogre tapped the bell once,
waited a beat and then popped the whole thing in its mouth and
roared.
Squirrelly reappeared. “Ms. Lil
Watson? Lil?”
Sigh. “I'm RIGHT HERE.”
“You can go right in.”
Lil headed into the office, avoiding
the ogre, who was now stomping on the Guess frame selection.
Friday, July 27, 2012
You fed me
I hungered, and you fed me.
Your savoury embrace, and I
salivated like at the smell of bbq
I never felt so safe so sated
So full so
Fed.
You did not offer dessert
But eggs and tea and toast and stirfry and the
warm
companionship
hot
coupling
were enough
then.
Then.
This is strange food
melts away
leaves me hungry
Now, after my three course meal, from
over my
cheesecake-laden
fork
I look back with
gratitude.
You fed me.
Your savoury embrace, and I
salivated like at the smell of bbq
I never felt so safe so sated
So full so
Fed.
You did not offer dessert
But eggs and tea and toast and stirfry and the
warm
companionship
hot
coupling
were enough
then.
Then.
This is strange food
melts away
leaves me hungry
Now, after my three course meal, from
over my
cheesecake-laden
fork
I look back with
gratitude.
You fed me.
Flames are not tongues
Flames are not tongues
They do not lick
They do not
wet.
Flames are a virus.
They spread.
They eat.
They take what is and
wreak change.
They are chaos.
They are catalyst.
They do not form
sweet words
And sing of
a love that never dies.
Flames die.
Or, if they are tongues,
They are lying tongues
And when they
Speak
Lick
Taste
Swallow
Sing of endless love,
They only feed their own hollow
survival.
But flames, like other liars,
die.
They do not lick
They do not
wet.
Flames are a virus.
They spread.
They eat.
They take what is and
wreak change.
They are chaos.
They are catalyst.
They do not form
sweet words
And sing of
a love that never dies.
Flames die.
Or, if they are tongues,
They are lying tongues
And when they
Speak
Lick
Taste
Swallow
Sing of endless love,
They only feed their own hollow
survival.
But flames, like other liars,
die.
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